Self-Assessment
Mid March
Why am I so unwilling to tell Ian what happened to me when the Asgard Pattern was blooded? Assuming that’s what kicked it off, of course. Three weeks before we went to Agincourt, and ten years there, and I still haven’t quite figured out what to say to him about my now reincorporated past life.
I mean, it’s not like I bear him a grudge for the incident in the Guildhall Cabinet room. I think that little encounter was cathartic for both of us. And my new self isn’t something I’m ashamed of. In fact, I have to admit I’m revelling in the freedom that it…he…brings. As reincarnated Asgardians go, I could have got a lot worse. Still, Lucius made a fair comment. I’m going to have to tell my father soon, as he isn’t going to be happy to learn how many people I’ve told before him. And more to the point, I suspect that if I don’t tell him soon, Edward will get there first.
Of course, Ian, more than anyone else, will immediately realise that this isn’t a usual past life, and perhaps part of my hesitation is that subconsciously, I’m afraid he’ll try to ‘fix’ me. But I don’t want to be fixed. I like my new self. It’s as if my inner Asgardian and I are two halves of the same being, rather than two beings who happened to share the same soul at different times in the past. Which also seems to explain my astral form. I’d always wondered where that had come from, but now I know. It’s almost identical to the body I would have worn in that incarnation, if there’s any truth to the mythological description of the God of Mischief as flame haired, jade eyed and just a tad manic.
The restored bond has fundamentally affected my arcane abilities as well. I can tap into him much more strongly, and with far less preparation, than is true with any of my other prior lives. More than once I’ve actually changed my appearance and Aspect to closer to his while drawing on his areas of speciality, taking on his physical characteristics and occasionally even letting him take over, as happened in the tunnels with Edward.
And it’s notable that the magics I find coming to mind most naturally are those which he was associated with: fire, illusion, destruction, playing with forms. I can cast these almost instantly now, without the need for racking them, unlike most of the everyday spells I use. The whole handful of fire thing I did in front of Ian, and later Armand, was just the beginning.
Then there’s the whole shape shifting thing. From no inclination in that direction at all, to a fully functional shifter in one fell swoop. And as I practise more, I’m finding that I can change between my four base forms almost instantaneously, which I’m not at all sure is normal. I’m certainly sure that it isn’t a coincidence that apart from my humble human self, my base forms are all ones associated with him: Gyrfalcon, wildfire, and the ice and cold of a frost giant. Thinking about it, that arguably gives me a form in each of the four elements. I wonder if that’s standard among shape shifters, or if it’s just another peculiarity to me.
I suppose I should actually try to find out by talking to someone who actually has a clue. But then, on the other hand, do I want to talk to someone who might want to tell me the ‘right’ way to go about it? Learning by instinct is fun, and means I don’t have preconceptions about what I should be able to do; which in turn means that I’m not bound by other people’s expectations. In the Amber family, that might save my life one day.
I’m guessing that all the differences between by Asgardian incarnation and the others I was previously aware of, are because of the rather unusual way he seems to have manifested. But all of it leads me to the conclusion that he isn’t just a past life. He’s part of my present life in a way that’s far from normal. I just hope that my old self is strong enough that it doesn’t get completely subsumed.
And then, as well as the physical and arcane changes, I’ve also noticed a difference in the way I relate to people since he came aboard. I’m more relaxed, and taking things less seriously, and for almost the first time in my life, I’m finding it easy to make friends: something I always envied Armand’s ability to do. As a case in point, the old me wouldn’t have been interested in tending bar in a workers’ tavern in Amber. In fact, he’d probably have looked down his Aryan nose at the kind of people who frequented it. But now…now I’m enjoying the whole experience and making friends there. In fact, for possibly the first time in my life, I feel that I belong somewhere.
But when it comes to Family, things are a little harder.
Wolf obviously can’t figure out the new me, although give him his due, he did exactly the right thing by taking me to the Germania Wewelsburg to try to stabilise my relationship with my new arrival. He’s also helped me a lot by telling me some of the ins and outs of Magnus’s Asgard, so I have some idea of what’s going on there. It’ll be interesting to see what kind of reaction I get when I first reach Asgard officially. Especially if Magnus figures out that I was the one who broke through from the tunnels…
Mind you, I’d like to see them try to make me swear to anything I don’t want to. Wildfire can do a lot of damage, as rather too many of the Circle discovered to their cost.
Next, I guess, is Ian and I. Actually, there I’d say things have improved. Our shouting match did us both good, aside the odd broken nose, and he and I got on better on Agincourt than we ever had before, even on Dominion. He was positively friendly…although whether that’s because he’s become more distant from Wolf, and is trying to compensate, or whether it’s because I’m leaving my old life behind, I don’t know. And yet, I haven’t found a way to tell him why I’ve changed.
Still I think mama was pleased to see the improvement, both between us and in me. And now I have yet another little brother. I wonder how far I can lead him astray…
Less positive is how this has affected things between me and Armand. Ever since what happened down in Chaos, he’s been acting differently towards me. More wary, and less open, as if he isn’t sure about me anymore. Sadly, I scared the crap out of him when my inner pyromaniac broke out and I guess he isn’t sure that I’ve got it under control now. Still, once he’s finished with Rebma, which hopefully should be soon now, I’d like to try to talk things out with him. I miss his easy company and our friendship.
The thing I don’t get, though, is that in the past, he’s always tried to encourage me to relax; but now I’m finally learning to do that, he doesn’t seem all that happy. Figuring out this personal relationships thing is something of a learning curve.
The relationship that’s changed most, though, is the one between myself and Dieter. I was already finding it hard to be a subordinate on Germania after the years I spent as RFSS on Dominion. But with this development, I really didn’t have much choice about taking myself off active duty, and converting my commission to an Honorary one.
The trouble is, this particular Asgardian just isn’t the kind who plays well with others, or is even remotely inclined to subject himself to someone else’s discipline. At least, not without rebelling in the process. So I realised I had to do something before I either flat out disobeyed Dieter, or did something he really didn’t want me to, and ultimately one of us decided the other one had to go. I’m just glad he agreed to my request while we’re still on good terms. Mind you, I do wonder if the fact that now he’s told me to call him Grandfather - something I’ve never been allowed to do before - was his way of acknowledging that he knew things were going to change before I did.
The other problem I have, of course, is the question of my status within the Circle. I’m told that before Wolf sorted out my new arrival, I killed four of our members, and injured several others, including both my brother and my grandfather. And then I followed it up by trying to strangle Wolf. That’s one of the images that did stick in my mind: the marks my hands made around his throat, and the colour leaching from his face as he struggled to breathe. I hadn’t realised I had the strength to do that to him. Afterwards, he was surprisingly understanding. However, aside from Dieter, the rest of the Circle have been less so.
My first action, once I was back on an even keel, was to pay Wergild to the families of the men who died. My brothers within the Circle then ordered me to account for my actions. I explained as best I could, with Wolf and Dieter backing up my story and giving me support, but while I was exonerated from intentionally trying to harm any of them, they obviously saw me differently afterwards. Like Armand. While they may not have been my close friends before, they had previously at least accepted me as one of their brotherhood. Now though…now they no longer trust me not to lose control again, and that saddens me somewhat.
I hope that with my change to Honorary rank, and with a few months of showing that everything is okay with me, will eventually rehabilitate me in their eyes, but I guess time alone will tell.
Once I had recovered from Dieter’s and Wolf’s ministrations he told me his theory that Oberon had somehow ripped one of my past lives from my soul, and moulded into the being which became Loki Laufeyson. And given my experiences since, I’m inclined to believe him. Especially as it appears that Oberon’s Asgard wasn’t the first…it was the second. Which raises a very interesting possibility. If Oberon really did strip out one of my past incarnations to create Asgard’s God of Mischief, then there’s a good chance that he one he took was the original Loki to his original past life as Odin.
Still, as far as incorporating my new self, and getting used to the changes, the time on Agincourt helped a lot. It gave me the chance to get some distance between my old self, and the growing pains of my transformation. While we were there, Ian did me proud. His friend, and now mine, Ermanno Dalmata, is a fascinating character and an excellent teacher. I now speak and read a variety of extra languages including Arabic; have a working knowledge of alchemy; and am the very model of the Renaissance gentleman. And best still, all of it works in Amber.
And without that trip, I wouldn’t have met Hal. I really hope the chance will arise to introduce him to Armand: the two of them are definitely cut from the same cloth.
On balance, I’d say I’m now in a better place in my life than I have been for years. I’m relating better to people, I’m more confident in my abilities, and for the first time that I can remember…and possibly ever…I feel happy about who I am. And if occasionally this means letting someone else take the driving seat for a bit, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay. I’d rather be a high-functioning schizophrenic who enjoys life, than a high-functioning psychopath who doesn’t.
And if you’re ever worried about which side of me you’re talking to, then there’s an easy way to tell. If the hair is full on red, and the eyes are full on green, then the God of Mischief is in the house.