Millbank Manor
October SY051
I looked up from the papers I was working on as I heard the knock at the door, then stood and stretched.
I had never lost anyone on my Pattern, and I was more relieved than I was willing to admit to Andrew and Morgaine when I successfully managed to pull Mer off alive. I didn't want the trend to start with anyone, especially my favourite grand daughter.
Talking with her afterwards, my conviction that what she had experienced was a past life memory grew stronger, although I still could not understand how it had come about. I have certainly never experienced anything of the sort, in all the times I have taken a Pattern.
Thank God she didn't ask me if I had been in Atlantis, though, as I can see that I would have gone right down in her estimations if I'd had to tell her the truth. That Axel was the second person to destroy his home continent in that land by playing with black magics that should have been left untouched.
Once she was calm, I called Andrew, and he brought Morgaine and Chesceni into the library with him. Morgaine, somewhat unsurprisingly, was still looking shaken, and I could tell that under Andrew's reserve there was more concern than he was willing to betray. Ches...well, I've always found it harder to read him, but even so I'd say he was as worried as his parents.
After they had reassured themselves that Mer was alright...along with the probably wise ban on her ever taking a Pattern again, unless someone was with her...the conversation naturally turned to who would should teach her how to use the Pattern, now she was initiated to it.
"Perhaps I can convince your brother here to give you the tutoring in Pattern," Morgaine said to Mer, "Ches? Do you feel comfortable doing that?"
And I saw her turn to look at Chesceni.
I have to admit I was surprised at her choice. After all, both she and Andrew - not mentioning myself - were better qualified to teach a new initiate than Ches. Yes, the boy is gifted, but even he needs a little time. I looked over towards Andrew, and saw his expression change, even as Chesceni was echoing my own thoughts on the matter. Before my eyes, I could see my son go from worried, through what I could only describe as hatred, to a neutral expression that was as cold as I have ever seen on his face.
"Well, I wasn't sure what your father's time was like," Morgaine said, answering Ches, and then she turned towards my son. She hadn't seen him, thank God. "Do you have time, Andrew?"
"I would make the time," he answered, his tone dead neutral, "however, once again I see I am not your first choice."
As he spoke, Morgaine caught her breath, and went pale. "Andrew, please..."
I felt myself wince, and at that moment, I decided I'd had enough of this. I looked over at him and caught his eye.
"You and I need to talk outside," I said in a tone I hadn't used with him for years, "now."
And I headed for the door. Shortly afterwards, I heard him following me, while behind me I could hear Morgaine talking to Mer and Ches, her tone pained and upset and Ches's not much better. Mer did not need this, especially so soon after what was in all probability the most frightening experience of her life.
"What is it?" Andrew asked as he tried to catch up with me, while I headed for the drawing room. However, I held my peace until I got there. Once inside, though...
I wheeled and looked at him.
"What in Hell's name are you playing at, Andrew?" I tried to keep my voice calm, but even to me it didn't seem as if I had succeeded. And yet he looked baffled.
"With Chesceni," I supplied.
"I'm not sure it's any of your business," he snapped in reply, which got me angrier.
"Of course it's my damned business," I answered, "you are my son and heir, and he is yours. And anyway, you and I have always reserved the right to tell the other if he's being a bloody fool. Normally it's you telling me, but this time I'm exercising my prerogative. What is it with you two? Or more with you, because Ches and Morgaine both seem as baffled about it as I do. Why do you hate your hate this son, when you have been a good father to your other children?"
"I failed with Aster," he retorted.
"No, what she did was more because of Morgaine, I think, than you. And you're dodging the question."
A pause.
"I don't hate him," Andrew replied, finally, but there was something in his tone that left me unconvinced.
"Are you sure about that?" I asked, mentally trying to calm myself.
He looked at me for a few moments, then answered with an ice in his voice that I had not heard for a very, very long time: "At least I haven't murdered him because I disagreed with his politics."
I caught myself before making the first answer that came to mind. Mutual recrimination would not help.
"That was beneath you," I answered, finally, "and far more the sort of comment that William used to make when he was younger, as well you know. Especially given just what Fritz's politics were."
And from the expression on his face, I could tell that he did.
"I'm sorry, father," he answered, more quietly.
To call me that, he must have been more upset than even I had realised.
"Are you willing to answer my question?" I said, after a moment.
He paused before saying anything, crossing over to the French windows and looking out over the terrace.
"Did you ever feel that I was trying to take your place in things that mattered to you?" he asked, after a few moments, "that I was competing with you? Trying to oust you from somewhere you held dear?"
I shook my head. "No. I don't believe I ever did," I answered. On the contrary, I had always encouraged him, and tried to help him grow. Maybe the problem was that Ches had grown without his help. As I was finding out with Thomas, gifted children were very difficult to cope with. To relate to.
"Then I'm not sure you'll be able to understand," he answered, and it still sounded to me as if he was dodging.
"Try me," I challenged, and after a pause, he replied.
"Chesceni and I have never been that close...at least not for a very long time. He was always far more Morgaine's son than mine, and I'll not deny that that hurt."
Another pause.
"Go on," I suggested, quietly.
"Since we returned to Rebma, it has gotten far, far worse. Everywhere I look, I see him there. In areas I thought I would be able to help Rebma. In things I had thought Morgaine and I had agreed would be my purview. Those skills I had expected would be the ones I could offer. He's there and entrenched. And all this in less time than it's taken me to even begin to feel like the people there think I belong in the city."
"Surely it's natural for him to specialise in the areas he's best at?" I asked, but he saw his eyes narrow.
"You have no idea how tired I am of hearing that," he snapped, "and now, in an area which I really, truly, should be more qualified in...that of teaching my own daughter the ways of the Pattern...HE is Morgaine's first choice to do it. What am I supposed to think?"
"Is it not possible that she genuinely did not think you would have the time?" I suggested, quietly, "after all, I would have thought you would have your hands full with a combination of running the Empire, and trying to get Morgaine's troops into shape?"
"As I said, I would have made the time," he answered, in the same sulky way as a naughty child would have. It seemed so unlike him, I could hardly believe it. "Mer's my daughter, for God's sake, and I nearly lost her today. And Morgaine didn't even think to suggest this to me before. Instead she just announced it in front of you all, which made me feel like a damned fool."
"Andrew, you know what Morgaine is like. Hell, you should know better than I do: you've been married for thirty years or something. She is impulsive, and sometimes says things before she thinks them through. However, I firmly believe that accrediting any form of malice to her in this is both unfair and unjustified."
He paused a moment, then shrugged. "Perhaps."
"Andrew, I've only ever seen you this jealous once before in your life. Around the time Lucien was born. But you got over that...you genuinely seemed to care for him by the end."
A nod.
"So why can't you come to terms with Ches? What is so different?"
He paused before answering, crossing from the window to sit in one of the armchairs, and when he spoke he finally seemed to be considering his words.
"Since we both came to Rebma, it has felt like he has constantly been trying to score points off me. Or telling me how to do things I have had rather more practise at than he has. You saw his thoughts when he showed us the crystal recording of his meeting with Paolo."
"He is ambitious, yes. But he did seem to be considering the implications of what he said on both you and Morgaine."
"My feeling was that for her it was because he cared for her, while for me it was just out of a sense of duty."
"That was not my read," I answered, "is it not possible that you are so wound up about him that you will see the negative in everything he does? Take a step backwards and think about that before you answer."
Andrew shrugged again.
"I just want him away from me. So I don't have to see him every day and interact with him. Perhaps then it won't feel like everything he is doing is to compete with me. I'm certainly more and more convinced that there isn't room for both of us in Rebma."
He paused once more, then continued.
"Originally, when we were first trying to work out what his and Mer's and Adam's roles in Rebma were going to be, we were discussing him working on the diplomatic side of things. Letting him get out and about and meet the family, and deal with external business for Rebma. That would have been fine by me. Yet since he discovered 'security', he doesn't seem to give a damn about anything else. It is the be all and end all of everything. Mer and Adam are both far more...flexible, and I love them dearly."
"But you don't love Ches..."
He paused a moment, then shook his head. "No. I in all honesty, I don't believe I do."
Well, at least it was honest, and perhaps, if he realised, he might be able to do something about it in the future.
"If you want my opinion...and maybe even if you don't..." That raised the trace of a smile. "... I think that the problem is that you and he ARE so alike. In cases where that's true, two people either get on like a house on fire, or they end up hating each other. With you and me, I have always treasured the fact that it is the former. With you and Ches though...certainly on your part, it is the latter. As for his feelings about you...what I feel is a lack of understanding. I am pretty sure he does want to be close to you, but until you change your perception of him and his motivations it cannot happen.
It's similar to the way that Morgaine never really saw eye to eye with Aster..." her name was mentioned again, I saw a trace of old pain cross his face, but I continued anyway, "you and she always seemed to relate to each other, in a way she and Morgaine never did. She was too like her mother. Ches is too like you. Adam and Mer, though. They are a lot less like you, and have developed different skills and in Adam's case a very different outlook to yours."
Andrew paused a moment, then shrugged.
"If he was out from under your feet, would it stop you hating him?" I asked.
"It might," he answered, although I wasn't sure if he realised what he was admitting.
"So suggest it," I replied, "I understand Kelric has been making overtures to exchange ambassadors with Rebma."
"If I do, Chesceni will probably think that it's because I want to take over his role in security, and am suggesting a way of getting him out of the way."
"Do you?"
He paused a moment, before answering. "Not any more, although originally yes, especially after the complete pig's ear they made of the security sweep when he first got to Rebma."
"That is still eating you?" I asked, a little surprised, "people do make mistakes."
"Yes, but that one was in a class of its own."
I looked at him. "He's young, Andrew. Yes, you would have made a better job of it, but what happened was probably more valuable to him as a learning experience."
"He still ought to be taking things more slowly," he answered.
"Tell him."
"I tried. He didn't appreciate it."
"Then be firm...you are his father," I answered, "just stop short of being heavy handed."
"That's harder than it sounds."
"You and he both need to bend, if you are ever going to have anything like a normal relationship. You managed it with Lucien. You managed it with Dominic. Try and do it with Ches, too. This current state of mind you're locked in is alien to you, and to be honest, it doesn't become you. It also scares the Hell out of me as I am genuinely afraid that because of it you might lose your family."
"So what do I do?"
"You'll work it out...if you let yourself," I answered, "for now, though, you are going to go back into the library and apologise to your wife. Maybe ask her why she suggested Ches to train Mer. It could be something very simple."
He looked at me, and I wondered if he was going to say something, but in the end he just nodded slightly.
"She is caught in the middle of this," I added, "and it is unfair on her. Please, don't end up alienating the person who probably loves you most in the world because you are almost certainly misjudging your son."
"Almost?"
Was he still so unsure? What was wrong with him?
"As I've said, he is ambitious. I won't deny it. However, I don't believe that he means you any harm. I think you're right, even if you phrased it rather more harshly than I would have. What you need is time apart. And then, perhaps, you can come back to things with a less biased outlook."
He paused a moment, then gave a slight nod, but he still seemed tense.
"Now, go, you idiot," I said, gesturing towards the door, "before she walks away."
He stood slowly, and made his way out, and as I watched his retreating back, I hoped to Hell that something... anything... I had said had sunk in.