An Unexpected Reunion
Somewhere on the Earth Line, Summer
Mama's alive.
Even sitting here across the table from her I can hardly believe it. I was there when she died. I was there when she was buried. I mourned her. Now I'm looking at her, and her smile is just as warm as the secret ones we shared at the Centre. She seems much the same. Perhaps a little more world-weary - but then, that's probably true of me, too. And of course, she's had another child since I saw her last, which has added cares to her. And oddly, I realise I have no idea how old she is.
But she's alive.
I didn't believe it when Geran said that Thomas was my brother. He's such a brat, but apparently my grandmother wants him to have a "liberal, democratic upbringing". A kneejerk reaction to my own, I suppose. Still looking at him, he really would have benefited from the discipline the Centre would have given him.
"He is very smart but very much a difficult child," was how Mama described him, but that doesn't justify his bad behaviour. It just makes him into an out of control, obnoxious kid. That isn't liberal: that's spoiling him.
God, I sound positively middle aged. And yet, if I could have chosen a brother, it would have been Artur, not Thomas.
Mama remembers Artur. She sounds worried about him, so I try to reassure her that he's okay. I don't know if she actually believes it or not. I tell her about his learning that he's Ian's son, and a bit about what he's doing...how he's doing...and she seems a little happier. But mostly, she wants to know about me.
What do I tell her? How do I tell her how things have changed with me since we last met. I've met my father. I've been in the military for five years. And suddenly I'm a war hero on a world she's may have never even visited, and which she'd hate if she really had grown tired of the GGR.
I really can't sense from her if she's pleased for me, sad that I've ended up like that, or just grateful to see me alive and well. Although I can't believe she's that happy to learn that her 26-year old son is a general in the Amber army. Or maybe even involved in Amber at all. And to add to my uncertainly about what to say, sometimes she seems surprised at what I'm telling her, and at others, it's obvious that she already knows.
"Armand..."
Her voice clicks me out of my reverie.
"Sorry, I was miles away."
"I understand," she answers, gently, "this is hard for both of us."
"If I'd known you were alive, I would have come to find you."
"I know."
"Why do we have to have healthy food? I hate healthy food," Thomas pipes up from between us. She sighs, but somehow she persuades him to eat it anyway. She has more patience than I would with him, but then, I guess that's what mothers do.
"Tell me a little about your father, Armand. Is he well?"
"Seems to be. He keeps himself busy, but then, by the sound of it, he always did, even if Amber has taken it to new levels. We've gotten close over the last few years, and neither of us regrets a minute of it."
"When I knew him he seemed so troubled. I'm glad he's doing better. How did you meet? "
"Herr Ritter arranged it, after you...died. I went to England to study for a year. I met both him and my grandfather."
"The English spy? Bleys's son."
"That was his reputation. Yes. But there's more to him than that. There's more to both of them."
I pause for a moment and wonder. How would she react if...
"I could call him if you wanted...Dad, I mean."
"I want to spend time with you, first. We've missed so much."
"I understand," I answer. I suppose I'm a little disappointed. A brief fantasy of my parents getting back together and running away into the sunset passes through my mind and leaves again almost as fast.
Never going to happen.
But I guess she sees my reaction.
"But perhaps another day," she adds. I hope she's not just saying that to make me feel better.
We lapse into a slightly awkward silence and I concentrate on the food. It's good - I never got to try her cooking when I was a child. Apart from the couple of days around the Board Enquiry, she always had to be distant, as her position as our teacher, and mine as one of the officially parentless, meant we couldn't spend private time together.
Looking back now, if that was truly a position she was forced into by Herr Ritter - or even by the Channicuts above him - it must have been so painful for her. I remember how much those shared smiles meant to me when I was a child, when I walked into her classroom. I'm getting the impression that they were just as important to her.
"So what are you doing now? You didn't seem to want to say much earlier...when your friends were here. I wasn't sure if that was for operational reasons..."
Yes, I guess she would think that. The GGR is a military country. The Berlin Centre was a military establishment. Security was part of everyday life.
"...or if you just didn't want to tell me."
"I wasn't sure if you really wanted to know," I answer.
"Oh my beautiful child. I want to know everything about you...about what you've been doing since I saw you."
Thomas looks at her, looks at me, and on his face I can see him planning how to get her attention back on him. He seems jealous. I feel a flash of anger and let the moment break.
"Maybe later," I answer, mentally adding, "once the horror is in bed."
So we talk about inanities. And Thomas quickly makes himself the centre of attention. I try to tune out his prattle and start quietly clearing the dishes.
"Thomas, why don't you help your brother?"
"I hate chores," he answers. He pushes back his chair, almost knocking it over, and runs into the lounge to watch the television. If there was ever a kid who personified the modern coddling diagnosis of ADHD, when really all he really is, is a badly behaved brat...at the Centre he would have been given a good slap and told to get his act together.
"I'm sorry Armand. He's..."
"...very smart but a difficult child."
"Yes."
"Looks like the liberal upbringing took too well," I answer, hearing the disapproval in my voice, then turn my back to do the washing up before I say something I'll regret. She picks up the drying cloth in silence and starts putting things away once I'm done with them. I can tell she's hurt...unsure what to do about her sons disliking each other on sight.
"Give him a chance," she says, finally.
"If that's what you want," I answer, my tone neutral, and she turns to me and puts her arms around me again.
"You're a good boy, Armand. You always were."
"Maybe it was a mistake. Me deciding to stay for a bit. He obviously doesn't want me here."
"No...never. You have no idea how much I've wanted to see you again, all these years."
"Yet my picture...you didn't even tell him who I really was. He said you told him it was one of your younger brothers who died of polio."
We look at each other for a few moments, before she breaks eye contact and sighs.
"Why don't you go and sit on the veranda. I'll put him to bed and then we can talk properly."
I look at her - I'd forgotten how small she was - and nod. She heads into the lounge after Thomas, and I go outside. There's a rocking chair, looking out over the lake, and I sit down in it. Soon the clean air and the rocking movement combine and I find myself drowsing.
A touch on my shoulder awakens me.
"You're so tense, Armand," she says, quietly, and gently starts working the knots out of my shoulders, "what's wrong?"
"Life is complicated."
"Is that why you're armed?"
"You can see...?" I answer, subconsciously feeling for the weapons at my belt.
"I am Fiona's daughter. She's taught me to use more than just the five normal senses. Why did you come to my home armed?"
"I was on duty when all of this came up. Geran changed my clothes, but I had nowhere else to put them, so I left them on my belt."
"Come and tell me about it," she suggests, and gestures for me to head inside. I follow, and she indicates for me to sit on one of the country-style armchairs in front of the fireplace. I unclip the sidearm and dagger and lay them on the table. It's obvious that she recognises the Honour blade for what it is. More than just an officer's dagger.
"We have so much to talk about, little one," she says as she opens a bottle of red wine and pours two glasses, then hands one to me and puts the bottle between us.
"Not all healthy then?" I say, with a weak smile.
"Healthy food means that sometimes I can treat myself. And I want to celebrate. You're here, and I never thought you would be. That I'd ever see you again. So tell me about your life. Your father. Amber. What you do on Germania. Your friends."
So we settle down and talk. I tell her about life in the Waffen-SS. The coup. About Dad, Ian and Artur. About Amber, and my unexpected rise to general. She laughs as I tell stories about the ups and downs of being a poster boy for the DoP, and I enjoy the sound. I heard it so rarely when I was a child.
I steer well clear of the fact that I nearly died on the Pattern, and that a few months ago, I was kidnapped and tortured by the Lynx Cult.
Then I mention Jakob: how we talked at the Castle during the awards ceremony, and how he still misses her. As I mention him, I see tears in her eyes.
"I didn't want to leave either of you," she says, her voice catching in her throat, "Please believe me."
"Then why the Hell did you?" I snap, and almost immediately regret it, as I see her look as if I've slapped her. I look apologetic, and ask, more quietly. "What happened, Mama?"
"Mother wanted me out of the GGR's sphere of influence - and by then, the only things keeping me there were you and Jakob. But the Heydrichs threatened me. They said that if I left, even for a little while, I could never come back. I could never see you again. You were theirs and I didn't have a right to keep you. Mother must have seen that I didn't know what to do, and took the choice out of my hands. She threw a fit of temper, did a lot of damage, and we were thrown out."
"Then who died?"
"If I had to guess? They found a Shadow of me and used that."
"It was leukaemia. Wouldn't that be hard to fake?"
"By a good shapeshifter? Or a sorcerer who made her sick? Not really."
"That's horrible."
"They're horrible people.
"I tried to help...I gave bone marrow..."
"But it made things worse?"
I look at her and nod, wondering how she knew.
"If it was a Shadow, then your DNA would have been too real. It would have overcome hers and mixed in with whatever they'd done to her in the first place..."
"So I killed her?"
"No, child. They did. I am so glad that you're no longer working for them. No longer under their orders, where they could potentially control you or use their position to hurt you. At least it sounds like Herr Ritter appreciates you."
"I think we have a good arrangement, although I always have to remember that he's my Führer, as well as my great grandfather..."
She looks at me with surprise.
"Dad's mother was his daughter."
"I hadn't realised."
"I was a when I found out, too. How did you meet Dalt?"
"It was a Family thing in Brandenburg. Quite soon after I had to leave the GGR. We had a stupid fling - I suppose I was on the rebound from losing Jakob. It was already over before I knew I was pregnant. Mother made arrangements and we ended up here. She liked it: quiet, remote, safe, and a long way from the Heydrichs."
"And infested with Lynxes by the sound of it."
"Lynxes?"
"The Lynx Cult. I have a history with them. And a pre-history. And an assortment of past life shit which they want to me to reconnect with."
"You believe in past lives?"
She seems surprised.
"Dad and Ian...it's a path they've taken me down."
"Magic?"
"Of the ritual kind. Not the sorcerous stuff - which given that Tone and Geran both mentioned that Thomas has, I'm guessing you know all about."
"Mother taught me. I would have taught you if I'd had time. I didn't want to risk not getting the chance with Thomas. But I could see you being a natural at both. There's a lot of Helgram blood in your veins."
"That's about all that's in my veins. If I actually think about it, I have way too few ancestors."
"Take the time to learn it if you can. It's worth it. The ritual kind is so slow."
"But at least it keeps me alive."
"So what do you mean about Lynxes here?"
"Geran found a book in Thomas's room. Innocent on the outside - just a book about animals with tufted ears who live in the forest. His principal gave it to him."
"Principal Tennyson...? Yes, I know the book. It was a school prize last term."
"What's Principal Tennyson like?"
"Rather full of airs and graces, but he keeps the school running efficiently."
"The book. It was aimed at me. According to Geran, if I'd touched it, the Lynxes would have found out I was here. And that would probably have led to trouble."
"What kind of trouble."
"The violent kind, when I took exception to them trying..."
I fall silent when I see her expression. She looks so sad all of a sudden.
"What's wrong?"
"Violence...it's in your soul now. I can see it."
"I'm an officer and a soldier. It kind of comes with the territory."
"Which is because that's what they made you into."
"I chose to be a soldier, Mama. So did Artur."
"I see him more of a scholar than a soldier."
I look at her and smile.
"He proved that one himself. He hated being on active duty. That's why he's much happier on Führer Dieter's personal staff. He loves information and he's very good at finding it. He's another ritual magician. A lot better and more experienced than I am. I think it's in our blood, and not just because we have way too many Helgram ancestors. Ian's probably the best ritual magician I've met, and the knack for it seems to have bred true in his descendants."
"Artur sounds a lot like his father. How do they get on?"
"They're finding their feet...they're about five years behind me and Dad."
"I'm sorry I was hesitant earlier...about seeing your father again. Now I've heard you talking about him, it's obvious that you love him. I'd like you to give him a call ..."
I glance over at the clock and realise that it's gone one in the morning.
"...maybe tomorrow evening. After Thomas has gone to bed."
"So you want me to stay?"
"Very much. We can go out - maybe go on the lake. But mostly, I just want to be with you. There is one thing I'm curious about, though..."
"What?"
"How did you and Thomas meet?"
I pause for a moment before answering. I consider telling her the truth...but then, I'd told my snotty brother that I wouldn't tell on him, and had been angry at him for implying that I'd go against my word. I'm not about to prove him right.
"He found me," I said in the end.
"And?"
"And that's it."
"He was being naughty and told you not to tattle, didn't he?" she asked, looking at me.
"He found me," I repeated, and I saw her smile.
"One day he'll realise that I'm nothing like as oblivious to what he's up to as he'd like to think I am."
"Why did you leave him alone? With just the cat and the dog."
My personal suspicion is that she wanted to get away from him for a bit, but I'm certainly not going to say that to her.
"Oh Lord...is there anyone to feed them? He'll be devastated if anything happens to them."
"I'm sure they'll be okay this evening - we fed them before we left. But if we're staying out here for a few days, you might want to ring someone to look in on them."
"Maybe I'll just bring them here. He'll be pleased."
"You spoil him."
"You sound so disapproving."
I pause for a moment, then concede: "Perhaps."
"I never had a chance to spoil you," she says, smiling weakly, "so maybe I'm over compensating. But please don't hate us for that. We've had to do what we can to get by."
I consider saying something, but before I can, I feel myself yawning. It's been a stressful day.
"Bedtime," she says, firmly, "I made up a room for you upstairs."
"I didn't bring anything with me, and it's too late to go out looking for stuff now."
"There's a new toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet. I can find you an old t-shirt of Jakob's to sleep in. And everything else can wait."
"You still have his stuff?"
"I took a few things, to remind me of him. Things I thought he wouldn't miss. I knew I'd never see him again, and I wanted to remember. I really did love him. I loved you both."
"Oh Mama. I'm so sorry," I say and step over to hug her.
"It wasn't your fault, Armand. None of it was your fault," she replies.
We stand like that for a few moments, and then we head upstairs, and she shows me to my room.